Geek Humour

Heisenberg & Schroedinger

Heisenberg and Schroedinger we driving on the freeway when they get pulled over by the highway patrol.

The policeman comes around to the driver side and says to Heisenberg, “Do you know how fast you were going?”

Heisenberg replies “No, but I knew where I was”.

The policeman scratches his head and says, “Pop the trunk, I want to take a look”.

He walks back, looks in and then walks around to the right side and says to Schroedinger, “Do you know you have a dead cat in the trunk?”

“I do now”, say Schroedinger.

Proper Care of Memory Sticks

Follow all of these instructions carefully for error-free memory sticks!

  1. Never leave memory sticks in the USB port. Data can leak out of the stick and corrode the inner mechanics of the computer.
  2. Never insert a memory stick into an upside down USB port. The data can fall off the surface of memory stick and jam the intricate mechanics of the hard disk drive.
  3. Memory sticks should not be inserted or removed from the USB port while the red light is flashing. Doing so could result in smeared or possibly unreadable text. Occasionally the red light remains flashing in what is known as a “hung” or “hooked” state. If your system is “hooking” you will probably need to insert a few coins before being allowed access to the USB port.
  4. If your memory stick is full and you need more storage space, remove the stick from the USB port and shake vigorously for 2 minutes. This will pack the data (Data Compression) enough to allow for more storage. Be sure to cap the connector end to prevent data loss.
  5. Periodically spray memory sticks with disinfectant to prevent system viruses from spreading.

Santa Claus: An Engineer’s Perspective

  1. There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the Population Reference Bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming that there is at least one good child in each.
  2. Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santa’s sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second — 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour.
  3. The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that the “flying” reindeer could pull ten times the normal amount, the job can’t be done with eight or even nine of them — Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch).
  4. 600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second crates enormous air resistance — this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth’s atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip. Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 m.p.s. in .001 seconds, would be subjected to forces of 17,500 g’s. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo.
  5. Therefore, if Santa did exist, he’s dead now.


A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his graduate students. It had one question:

“Is hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with a proof.”

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law or some variant. One student, however wrote the following: First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for souls entering hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell. Since, there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant.

  1. So, if hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose.
  2. Of course, if hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, than the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given me by Therese Banyan during Freshman year, and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then # 2 cannot be true, and hell is exothermic.

The student got the only A.

Engineer Humour


  1. If your spouse sends you an e-mail instead of calling you to dinner.
  2. If you stare at an orange juice container because it says CONCENTRATE.
  3. If your wrist watch has more computing power than the latest iPad.
  4. If you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie.
  5. If you can name 6 Star Trek episodes.
  6. If your idea of good interpersonal communication means getting the decimal point in the right place.
  7. If you look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids’ toys.
  8. If you have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts.
  9. If you window shop at Radio Shack
  10. If your ideal evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest sci-fi movie looking for technical inaccuracies.
  11. If you are convinced you can build a phaser out of your garage door opener and your camera’s flash attachment.
  12. If you don’t even know where the cover to your personal computer is.
  13. If you have modified your can-opener to be microprocessor driven.
  14. If you know the direction the water swirls when you flush.
  15. If you own “Official Star Trek” anything.
  16. If you ever burned down the gymnasium with your Science Fair project.
  17. If you are currently gathering the components to build your own nuclear reactor.
  18. If you own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts.
  19. If you truly believe aliens are living among us.
  20. If you have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance.
  21. If you still own a slide rule and you know how to work it.
  22. If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.
  23. If you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal.
  24. If you have more toys than your kids.
  25. If you have introduced your kids by the wrong name.
  26. If you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work.
  27. If your I.Q. number is bigger than your weight.
  28. If the microphone or visual aids at a meeting don’t work, and you rush up to the front to fix it.
  29. If you can remember 7 computer passwords but not your anniversary.
  30. If you have memorised the program schedule for the Discovery channel, and have seen most of the shows already.
  31. If you can type 70 words a minute but can’t read your own handwriting.
  32. If people groan at the party when you pick out the music.
  33. If you can’t remember where you parked your car for the 3rd time this week.
  34. If you did the sound system for your senior prom.
  35. If your chequebook always balances.
  36. If your wrist watch has more buttons than a telephone.
  37. If you have more friends on the Internet than in real life
  38. If you thought the real heroes of “Apollo 13” were the mission controllers.
  39. If you think that when people around you yawn, it’s because they didn’t get enough sleep.
  40. If you spend more on your home computer than your car.
  41. If you know what http:/ stands for.
  42. If you’ve ever tried to repair a $5.00 radio.
  43. If you have a neatly sorted collection of old bolts and nuts in your garage.
  44. If your three year old son asks why the sky is blue and you try to explain atmospheric absorption theory.
  45. If your 4 basic food groups are:  1. Caffeine  2. Fat  3. Sugar 4. Chocolate (or Chinese, pizza, beer, etc.)
  46. If the only jokes you receive are through e-mail.

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